


Dartboard holiday edition

by V6ilill



Series: Shooting star falls fast, falls far [3]
Category: The Outer Worlds (Video Game)
Genre: Autistic Captain, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Happy, Humor, Light Angst, Random - Freeform, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:01:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21916423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V6ilill/pseuds/V6ilill
Summary: The captain brings gifts and joy to the people she likes.Unfortunately, May is bad with people and even worse with finances.Some suffer less, some more.Note: exists in the same timeline as the main fic, takes place between chapters 45 and 46. Might be plot holes, I wrote this before my 73rd revision.
Relationships: Ellie Fenhill & Felix Millstone, Ellie Fenhill & Parvati Holcomb, The Captain & Ellie Fenhill, The Captain & Parvati Holcomb, The Captain & Parvati Holcomb & Felix Millstone, The Captain & Phineas Welles
Series: Shooting star falls fast, falls far [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1560577
Kudos: 2





	Dartboard holiday edition

“Hey, guys, do you celebrate Christmas or something?” asked May.

“I’m the only guy here,” said Felix.

“Well, I don’t, but there are sales everywhere and dirty company mascots proliferate like flies,” said Ellie.

“Every year in Edgewater, we’d draw straws and whoever drew the short one played Santa at the Christmas party,” reminisced Parvati “Wonder if Adelaide continues the tradition.”

“That means that I gotta find something for all the people I like,” said May “Who are now more than two . . . the future really grows on me like mold.”

“Before you left for Halcyon, you only had two friends?” Ellie looked at her suspiciously “Must be very lucky then, to have us three.”

“Four,” corrected ADA.

“Met more nasty people, back then,” said May “But now I can just kill them.”

“You’re pretty twisted, captain,” said Ellie.

“Aren’t we all killers?” May winked.

“True,” Felix nodded “A reality of life for wanderers and smugglers in space.”

“Let’s go buy some gifts then,” said May “I’m gonna make this holiday the awesomest I can!”

“I’m already afraid,” sighed Ellie.

-

“What perfume does Ellie like?” asked May.

“She doesn’t,” said Parvati.

“Why are you coming with me? It’s supposed to be a surprise!” she complained.

“Don’t like surprises anyway,” she said “Also, are you sure we have the bits for that?”

“Um,” May realized a most horrifying truth about the universe “We can obtain some cheap stuff.”

“Cheap? As in stolen?” whispered Parvati.

“Yeah,” said May “I’m a master thief, so don’t worry!”

Parvati began to worry. And briefly considered hanging back while May burglarized houses. But the engineer’s sense of loyalty won out and she once again followed her captain.

-

On a scale of one to ten, May was very screwed. Probably a seven. She sat on the rafters of a house in Byzantium, while two guards circled below and a large spaceship patrolled the heavens. The angry woman who May had robbed explained her situation to a third guard. Parvati was nowhere seen, likely hiding too.

(this can’t be any more difficult than destroying a raider encampment while wearing nothing but a cryosuit)

May’s grip on the ornate roof decoration loosened and she fell right before the two guards.

(whoops)

“This the thief?” one of them lifted her up effortlessly like a sack of potatoes.

The woman looked at May suspiciously “I don’t- what was that?”

The third guard was hit over the head with a mallet and fell down. Parvati turned to run.

The first guard began chasing her, the second one staying behind to handcuff May. However, he wasn’t informed about her superpower. As he reached his arm to his belt, May headbutted him, then kicked him into the groin and fell facefirst onto the pavement. Before time returned to normal, May had already gotten up and ran away, leaving behind one bewildered and humiliated guard and one extremely pissed Byzantine.

“WHAT KIND OF GUARD ARE YOU?!” the booming voice of the woman echoed through many side streets “HOW DID YOU LET THEM GET AWAY?!”

(it would be easy, they said. The security in Byzantium is like mesh strainer, they said)

-

After a while of forced bonding while hiding in the sewers, which were absurdly spacious (why) and full of robots (whyyyy) and (GIANT) rats, May and Parvati escaped back to their ship and took off without delay.

“I got you a present, Ellie!” May jumped out from behind a corner.

“At least try to be noticeable, captain. Might not have a crew otherwise,” she wiped some sweat off her forehead (not that she was startled or anything!).

“Merry Christmas, Ellie!” she shoved a box into the taller woman’s hands.

“A new bonesaw? Nice,” she smiled her totally-not-a-mad-doctor, totally-not-gonna-vivisect-you grin “I’ll put it to good use, captain.”

“Why am I suddenly afraid all of a sudden?” Felix appeared out of nowhere.

“Got you a present too!” said May and handed him an extremely suspicious box.

“What are these? Ooh, bombs! Cool,” Felix totally-cautiously ripped off the wrapper “Thanks, boss.”

“These are fireworks,” mumbled May.

“What’s the difference?” Felix looked at her, as if she could explain.

“Fireworks fly up into the air to make pretty explosions for people to look at,” said Ellie.

“Boring,” said Felix, then realized that May was right there “Er- I didn’t actually mean to say that! It’s very considerate of you to gift me something so valuable!”

“Don’t be so quick to judge. If there’s anything Byzantines now how to do, it’s make a show,” said Ellie, still grinning.

“Why are y’all hangin’ out in this hallway?” asked Parvati.

“Merry Christmas, Parvati!” May dropped a (bomb) large box onto her.

“Oh, thank you!” she smiled “It’s safety equipment? But, no offense . . . I already have that. I don’t mind, but I thought you were going to give me the-”

“Shh,” May pointed a finger at the ceiling “Spacer’s Choice safety equipment is just overalls and goggles. Not even any sleeves! THIS is the real deal!”

“It looks so nice,” Parvati held the suit to her chest “What about the-”

“Hey, ADA! Got a present for you too!” the (walking disaster) savior of the star system called out.

“I’m aware of the suspicious box in the cargo bay, yes,” she answered “Not of its contents, though.”

“I hate surprises, but I like surprising people,” said May.

“It’s rather thoughtful of you to increase my technical capabilities,” said ADA when the present was revealed “I trust you won’t be installing those alone?”

“Um . . . well . . .” said May.

“Of course you won’t,” said Parvati “I’ll put ‘em up, you’ll watch and learn.”

“Okay,” said May and began watching as her buddy expertly inserted complicated parts into the ship (does this remind you of anything?). After a while, the captain got bored and wandered off to poke at the replacement parts waiting for their turn in their nice blue box.

“What part of “watch and learn” did you not understand?” Parvati appeared behind her boss and led her away “Why don’t you try cooking something festive?”

“Sure!” said May, grinning maniacally.

-

“How unfortunate that you can’t follow your schedule now and must clean the kitchen,” said ADA “You had so many things planned, but now all must be delayed. How tragic.”

May agreed silently, dripping with what was once supposed to be cookie dough. Before her stood a tray of icing puddles and burnt gingerbread.

“Yikes,” said Felix.

“Who told her to cook?” Ellie glanced suspiciously at the tray.

Parvati shuffled her feet guiltily.

“Maybe you should try ‘em,” suggested Ellie.

“Okay,” said Parvati and hesitantly grabbed one “Hey, it’s good!”

“You just want me to try so I can die of food poisoning with you,” said Ellie in disbelief.

Felix, however, wasn’t as hesitant.

“I like the icing,” he declared, scooping it up with a spoon.

May attempted a swift and stneaky escape while her buddies were preoccupied with the food.

“The cleaning equipment is the other way,” ADA quickly ruined any plans of escape.

(there goes my stealth)

-

Once again, the dissident captain and her crew needed something of Aloysius Clarke. He put down the magazine and nodded to the closest guard. At least the visit broke routine, if nothing else.

The woman and her two assistants clambered up the steps, almost displacing a priceless vase one of the guards was carrying to, eh, polish. The minister had no idea what happened to them after they were taken away. Last time he’d asked, the hired thug had implied that Rockwell could get another scapegoat if need be.

“What do you need?” he asked the traveler.

“Nothing much,” she shrugged “I thought to swing by, see how you’re doing. And bring you a gift for the holidays.”

“Very little has changed since we last spoke,” said Clarke “The greatest difference I have observed is that guard Makarova now smokes on the left of the front door, instead of the right.”

“Happy holidays,” she handed him a poster, no, drawing.

He examined the paper - an image of a planet, its moon and sun “I owe you a favor now, don’t I?”

“Nah, it’s repayment for your help,” said the captain “Drew this myself. In case you haven’t guessed, that’s the Earth, the Moon and the Sun. I was gonna draw the other planets too, but there wasn’t enough space.”

“I hope you found the chemicals you were looking for,” he turned the paper in his hands “You have talent. This will look superb in a frame.”

“I also got you some genuine wurst from Monarch,” she handed him a can “You know, the prime taste in dissident circles.”

The captain’s two assistants shared a look. They wore helmets, so the context couldn’t be deciphered by an outside observer.

“That’s so-” Clarke was at a loss for adjectives “Incredible. Thank you for your time.”

“Yeah, bye. Seeya!” the adventurer waved and bounded away.

Her bodyguards shared another look and followed her.

-

There was no blockade on Monarch, May noticed for the first time. She wondered where the Board had taken their floating scrap metal now. There was certainly room around their little copycat sun (the real deal was back near Earth), she concluded.

Like any good captain, May didn’t bother to check what her crew were doing on shore leave. She had many things to do in Stellar Bay.

“Where’s the boss?” she walked right up to one of the guards in the office building with the atrocious logo “He free or not?”

“You’ll have to wait,” the guard gave her a stern look, like her teacher in middle school once did “Ma’am.”

(so you call me that and look at me like an unruly child?)  
(humans are confusing)

So May took out her pad and started drawing. She was just about to finish sketch #23 of a sunny winter sky, when the guard moved.

“Sir, the captain of the Unreliable is here to see you,” the guard approached Sanjar Nandi “As she has been for two hours.”

“It was really that long?” said May and got up. And immediately regretted doing so, because her legs were completely feelingless.

“Was it urgent?” Sanjar looked her over “What’s that spot on your helmet?”

“That’s icing! Or toxic paint,” she shrugged “I won’t know until I try it out.”

“Maybe don’t,” he cautioned.

“Anyway, it’s Christmas so I thought I’d swing by and get you a present,” May rummaged through her bag.

Then she dropped her rucksack and the present because the universe hated her.

“Here you go!” she picked up the gift and shoved it into Sanjar’s hands.

“A dictionary?” he examined the tattered collection of pages “A paperback dictionary? Why, that’s almost a relic!”

“No, it’s an economy gift,” May hoisted the bag back onto its rightful place “I borrowed an electronic variant and copied it down onto paper. It was cheaper this way. Paper is ridiculously cheap in Byzantium, if you know where to buy.”

“That’s quite efficient,” he agreed, still holding the collection of toilet paper “But it must’ve taken you so long to transcribe this!”

“No big deal,” said May “I used to copy the textbooks in school. Ah, but I gotta go! Bye!”

She turned and dropped her bag again. The universe was especially vengeful on this day.

-

“Still greeting the new arrivals?” the captain of the Unreliable popped up behind Grimm.

“If it isn’t the most freqquent visitor to Stellar Bay!” he turned around “Your craft has landed here for a whopping five times!”

“I brought you a gift!” she pulled out a small pack of cigarettes “Merry Christmas!”

“Thanks, but I don’t smoke . . .” he gazed at the tattered carton.

“It’s not what it looks like!” protested May “Come on, open it!”

He tore up the package and took out a folded paper.

“Is this what I think it is? A collector’s edition tossball poster?” he almost squealed in delight as he unfolded it.

“I stole it from Byzantium for you,” the traveler nodded.

“You’re the best, captain lady,” he examined the poster.

“It’s just so nice to make people happy,” explained May “Gotta go now, bye.”

Grimm waved to her as she left. The poster was a little sticky, but that hardly mattered.

-

“Introspective goes before imbecile . . .” mumbled Sanjar, moving the numberless pages.

“Maybe you should take a break. It’s already eleven in the evening,” suggested Celia and sent extremely murderous brainwaves towards the captain of the Unreliable. 

Sanjar didn’t need encouragement for his prefectionist tendencies, especially not encouragement that ended in five hours of putting together a damn dictionary.

How unfortunate that the Unreliable had already taken off three hours ago.

-

Fallbrook was somehow even more crowded than usual and served special holiday food. Felix made the mistake of trying it out. He was confined to one of the public restrooms for half an hour.

May thought to surprise her (former) debtor with a gift.

“I brought you a present!” she shouted at her good friend.

“You again?” he frowned “What do you want?”

“Merry Christmas!” she quickly shoved a black box into his hands.

“Why, thank you,” he tore off the wrapper and opened the lid.

Inside was some healthy human excrement.

“Woo! Free fertilizer!” the man smiled widely “How did you know? This is exactly what I needed!”

May felt a little weird.

-

“Ellie, quick, what do we get the captain?” Felix asked while May was away.

“Spray paint?” she guessed.

“Do they even sell it here anymore?” he asked "In places that aren't suspicious and full of glue huffers?"

“Like there's a locale in Fallbrook that isn't suspicious,”

-

It had been an ordinary day in Amber Heights, at least for Zora Blackwood, until the captain of the Unreliable showed up all of a sudden. And the captain was there to see her. Zora sighed in resignation and fixed up her best blank stare.

“You doing well?” May chirped with great enthusiasm “Is there something that needs to be done in your communist utopia?”

“We’re well, thank you,” Zora affixed her blank stare right at the nuisance’s painted helmet “I’m sure you have a reason for being here.”

“Is checking to see if my work paid off not reason enough?” she cocked her head “Ah, but I brought you a present!”

“Yes?” Zora felt great unease.

“You must be very stressed with running things ‘round here,” May rummaged through her bag, increasing Zora’s unease “So, I got you a book of anecdotes! Merry Christmas!”

Zora was handed a large, tattered tome, filled with jokes.

“Thank you,” she said, idly flipping through the pages.

The book was actually pretty funny, she had to admit after a few pages. May stood idly on the sidelines, watching.

Then Zora found an extremely inappropriate jab at Graham Bryant. The book became a little less humorous.

Fortunately for the intrepid space captain, she was fast enough to hide.

-

May wondered why Zora was angry all of a sudden, looking around with murderous intent. The unlucky captain was pretty well-hidden, of course,

May concluded that maybe, just maybe she should’ve taken the time to read.

-

Few people in the star system were as annoying as the captain of the Unreliable, and fewer still had a starship to take them to wherever they pleased in a matter of days. Unfortunately for Hiram Blythe, said captain found something endearing in him. Was it the abundance of dials and monitors, or his vast knowledge and network of informants, he would never know.

He watched from one of his many, many screens as the woman whose name he had unceremoniously forgotten (and likely never known in the first place) skipped up the steps to his tower. That was not as planned.

The guards didn’t turn her away - she bribed them with cheap chocolate that was completely unavailable on Monarch. Not as planned. The mercenaries, for their credit, had never seen such objects before in their life. One even tried to eat the candy with the wrapper.

Hiram wondered what he could do as the captain stumbled up his tower, audibly complaining about stairs. Of course, the elevator had eluded her notice. Just as planned. The only problem was that Hiram, in his morbid curiosity, had wasted all the time to escape. Not as planned.

“Merry Christmas, Hiram!” she galloped up to him “Dunno if you celebrate or not, but I got you a present!”

“I’m so grateful,” he looked sternly at the bringer of joy and happiness “Really. Thanks.”

“So, since you’re not very good with defense in this tower, I thought to give you this,” she handed him a nice plasma rifle.

That was somewhat better than expected. He examined the slightly worn weapon and concluded that the captain had acquired it from one of the many raiders whose corpses littered her path through the system.

Of course, the captain knew exactly how to spoil even the greatest gift.

“And this too!” she pulled a tacky hat over his head “You’re prepped for the holidays now!”

Hiram froze where he sat on his chair of evil.

(what)

(where did this come from?)

(what)

He felt for the pointy hat. It had a bell. His only weakness had been exposed.

(not as planned)

“I wish my ominous spinning chair had armrests,” the captain pouted audibly.

Like his life could get any worse, a guard walked in the door “Sir, the package- what the?”

The mercenary doubled over in laughter, clutching his chest. Like flies to carrion, the other guns for hire were drawn to the scene. Their reaction was similar.

Hiram gathered his last shreds of dignity and cast onto the captain a death glare so wretched, so powerful that it was sure to destroy her resolve and make her feel his pain a thousandfold.

“You’re always so unhappy,” she straightened the Christmas hat “Just enjoy life, don’t think so much about what could happen-”

“Don’t think so much?” Hiram began shouting before he even realized that “No wonder you have-”

The captain escaped, clearly still having some semblance of a self-preservation instinct. Good riddance.

Unfortunately for Hiram, one of the mercenaries had taken a picture of him. Nothing could save him from public humiliation now.

-

Minister Clarke thought back to the time he still had dignity. Crouching over a toilet in extreme nausea was so beneath him. He was no dissident and he definitely didn’t have their digestive tract.

The thugs were, predictably, amused.

-

“Hey, Louise, you still remember me?” an unfamiliar woman approached her “I gave you that gun, remember? Did you, um, use it for anything?”

“I didn’t want to, but Adelaide said I wasn’t responsible for the property damage if he came back again,” she glanced fondly at the little pistol on her hip “He’s fertilizer now.”

“And you’re the gardener, weeding out the vile and wretched,” the lady (dammit, what’s her name?) pointed at Louise’s new tools “Um, I brought you a present.”

“Really? I should ask for your name first. And, uh, apologize for being so harsh to you the first time,” she said.

“I’m May,” she fished out a box from her gargantuane bag “Merry Christmas!”

Louise turned the present in her hands, then looked back at the wanderer. She was already gone, like she had never been there at all. The local tore off the wrapper, revealing a cache of ammo for her pistol. How unfortunate that she no longer needed any of it.

-

“What do we get for May?” Parvati stood before Edgewater’s general store, Ellie a few paces behind her.

“We aren’t getting anything for her here, that’s for sure,” said Ellie.

“We could just ask her. You know how she hates surprises,” suggested Parvati.

“The whole point is to have presents be a secret,” grumbled Ellie.

“What do we get her, then? I don’t know any places with spray paint.”

“Fine. Let’s do it your way.”

-

“What would you like for Christmas, captain?” Parvati approached her.

“I don’t want anything!” May protested “I’m Santa, not you!”

“Like it or not, but we’re getting you presents,” Ellie chimed in.

“Look, I give gifts to make people happy. I’m already happy, I don’t need anything,” she explained “Same with my birthday - I used to make gifts for people then too.”

“Then we’re gonna give you something really lame.” decided Ellie.

“A hairpin,” caved May.

“Yes, captain!” Parvati saluted.

-

“What could I get Jun?” Parvati asked her captain “I’m not quite sure what she likes.”

“Well, she’s got proper safety eqipment, a lot of necessary parts and nice stuff,” May drew something on her pad “Maybe something personal? Like a memento from you?”

“What kind of memento, then?” she pondered further.

“I dunno. You know her better than I do,” the wannabe artist shrugged.

And so, Junlei Tennyson received a very bizarre necklace for Christmas. A nice keepsake to collect dust on her end table, a reminder of her, eh, relationship with a certain spacer.

Junlei checked and double checked to see if the Unreliable had left before tossing the necklace in the smelter. It could still be repurpoced for something useful, she was sure of it.

Hopefully, Parvati wouldn’t come asking.

-

Phineas Welles was reminded of the many, many issues in his security when the woman he’d set loose turned to not only know where he lived, but able to navigate a ship there. And he was very sure that spaceship technology had advanced drastically over the last seventy years. Come to think of it, how did May become such a prolific space captain in such a short time?

Then Phineas realized he was just staring at the display while the Unreliable landed and a somewhat familiar figure (and her huge backpack) tumbled out. He scrambled to get behind his protective glass wall, while May recovered from her slip.

“Is anyone home?!” she demonstrated excellent lung capacity.

“I tend to lock the door while I’m out,” he answered through the speaker “Although sometimes I forget in my old age.”

The next sound was a loud clang and a curse most profane, the likes of which would make any respectable priest have a heart attack. Phineas hoped May hadn’t broken anything essential. The walking disaster stumbled in and waved cheerfully at him, before being beset by his pigs.

“Hey, stop that!” she attempted to escape “Have you ever trained your pets, Phineas?”

“Only to kill trespassers,” he laughed.

“Should’ve gotten them something too,” muttered May, while being smothered with love and affection.

Then she tripped and fell, right under the mass of cystipigs. And didn’t get up.

“What happened?” he asked her, to no avail.

-

May waited, buried under a moving cancerous mass. And waited. A born improviser knew how to seize an opportunity, but she started doubting her idea when one of the pigs buried its nose under her helmet and poked her face with its tumorous snout.

“May? Are you alright? Can you hear me?” Phineas sounded very far away.

The captain continued bluffing. The pigs continued murdering her. After a while, she heard hurried steps approaching her. The ruse paid off. May sat up with a great deal of effort.

“Gotcha,” she smirked under her stilted headpiece.

“This was all an elaborate plan to get me out unprotected,” Phineas deduced.

“I brought you a present,” said May “But all these pigs are in the way.”

“I taught my minions well,” it was his turn to triumph “They eat everything they can get their hooves on, you know. Pays to keep your pet projects around.”

“Your tactical genius exceeds mine,” the runaway experiment conceded as the animals “I just wanted to get you something for Christmas, not murder you for the Board. Wait . . . am I your pet project too?”

“My pigs and you are quite similar in size, yes. And in tenacity,”

“. . . what was that? A comment about my height? Ever heard the saying “Tiny, but mighty”?”

“That was supposed to be a comment about your weight, but feel free to interpret my words any way you want!”

May poked around in her backpack and handed him a package.

“Is this a bomb?” he asked jokingly “If so, why no wires?”

“Why don’t diabolical masterminds just make all the wires red?” she looked with interest as he unpacked the present.

“They focus too much on the personal diatribes against the hero,” Phineas discarded the wrapper “Is that . . . disposable gloves?”

He seemed to be stunned speechless, turning the 24-pair pack in his hands.

“I figured your evil lair needed some safety equipment,” explained May “This is all I could steal from Auntie Cleo’s.”

“These make me feel very secure, thank you,” he continued unpacking the gift “A jacket? No offence, but as you can see, I already have one.”

“From my vantage point alone, I can spot 23 suspicious stains,” said May “How long have you been wearing this anyway?”

“For some . . . thirteen years, I think? It’s aged well, as have I,”

“. . . so, uh, you like my present? Merry Christmas!”

“The more, the merrier, especially when it comes to gifts. Ah, but I haven’t received one in thirty-seven years.”

May felt sympathy and no way to express it.

“Step one: find test subject. Step two: have fun. Step three: use the secret formula. Step four: profit.”

“Step five: realize a minor oversight that ruins everything. Well, at least that’s how my plans always go.”

“It’s getting late. Are you sure your buddies won’t kick you out if you stay for too long?”

“Nah, they don’t get bored so easily. Still, it’s a good idea to check on them. Take care, boss,”

“Good luck, assistant,”

“I prefer not to rely on that, thanks!”

And so she left, tripping on a loose hunk of metal again as she bounded towards her ship. Safety regulations existed for a reason, dammit.

-

“Merry Christmas, captain!” May was violently assaulted as soon as she got back to her ship.

A few seconds later in her struggle, May realized that she was just being hugged by Parvati.

“What?” asked the very confused captain.

“You’re now one hairpin richer,” explained Ellie “And we’re fifteen bits poorer.”

May took off her helmet. Received the hairpin. Stuck it in her hair. Did some sideways moves. Rushed to a mirror.

One hairpin for her old life, another for her new life.

The hairpin wasn’t anything like her old one. This one was plastic and pink, the old one was metal and orange. But the new one was good enough, until May could ask Anastasiya the real deal back.

She didn’t need two pins, but she could have both. Rotate them, maybe?

“How do you like it?” Felix snuck up behind her.

May didn’t know what to say. She put her thumbs up.

“I like making people happy too,” he smiled “Why don’t we get onto solid grounds and try out the fireworks?”

May nodded.

-

Fireworks exploded in the night sky, in showers of festive red and lively green.

May wondered if she’d celebrate next Christmas with Nathanael and Anastasiya.

They were fine, she told herself, just in cryosleep. Phineas could wake them up with the chemicals. There was no need to worry.

May wandered away from the lightshow. She wanted to be alone, she needed solitude like air or water.

Everyone always left her, but they would come back. She would be reunited with her family.

How unfortunate that not all lost to time could ever be brought back.


End file.
